My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
