I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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