Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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