And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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