thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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