I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
