My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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