His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm like, not good at living.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
