this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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