Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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