So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
