: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
