I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
