I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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