that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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