Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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