The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
