im six kinds of drunk right now
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
