This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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