Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
