you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
