Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
