Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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