i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dignity is for republicans.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Randomize
