Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my shit smells like andre
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
