she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
