so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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