I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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