You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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