Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
