Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
