last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
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I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
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I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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