i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
