I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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