Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
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Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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