there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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