I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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