i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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