My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
