We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
