Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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