Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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