I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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