you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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