i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
