Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
