All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
