Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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