Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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