Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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