I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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