i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
