I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
That was an excessively violent trivia night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
