your parents love me but you hate me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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