I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
